The quilt of insomnia

Uncovered #6

What a night! Fell asleep at 10, woke at 12:47 am. The night before, went to bed at 10, tossed and turned  until 1:47 am. I have a small digital clock on my bed stand and I torture myself on these sleepless nights by checking it from time to time to mentally record the forever lost minutes of sleep. And even though I seem to forget many ordinary things, this record stays seared at least until the next morning. 

 I finally got up and took 1/2 an Ambien, something I rarely do, but I knew I wouldn't be able to operate on a  such a small cubicle of sleep.

When insomnia wakes me, it's as if I am slowly rising from unconsciousness to consciousness and somewhere between that gauzy line, I realize, "I'm awake" next thought, "What time is it?", and I hit the light of my tiny digital recorder. 

If I'm lucky and I've managed to get 5-6 hours of sleep, I'll get up, but that's not insomnia, that's a decent night's rest. When it's full blown insomnia, my mind is a constant chatter. I'm either singing a song (thankfully silently in head), or having mundane conversations up there. Sometimes they are so meaningless, they actually put me back to sleep. 

The bed is uncomfortable, the sheets are hot, my pillow is hot, I toss, I turn, I spin, I curse, I get up and pee. Then back to the mattress, position myself comfortably,  breathe deeply, meditate (try to), tell myself, optimistically, "even if I'm not asleep, I'm resting". 

At some point I doze off. I know this because minutes late, like cracking the sugar layer on creme brulee, I'm breaking the surface and frustratingly realize I was on the brink of deep sleep and just before I completely let go and submerged, my mind, like an evil wizard, woke me up.

This rhythm, this broken cadence, this patch work quilt of sleep sometimes goes on for hours until I admit defeat and get up. Anywhere from 3 am - 4 am is the acceptable point of surrender. 

I've tried chamomile tea, dark cherry juice, wine. None of it works. I've come to accept this monthly sequence. It usually lasts no more than three nights, so on the bright side, 27 days each month, I sleep like a baby.

If anyone reading this post has suggestions, I welcome them. On that note, Good morning!